He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
