Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
