But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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