I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
