you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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