i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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