Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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