mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
