Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my shit smells like andre
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
