i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
