drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
