It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
