mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The Olympian is in my bed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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