She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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