yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
