textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
