Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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