I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
