Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
