I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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