My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
