You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
