I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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