The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
