Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
