Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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