There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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