I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
