new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
