Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
