hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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