i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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