Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
