Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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