____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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