I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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