Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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