I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
