Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
