Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
