and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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