I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
