It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
