I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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