Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
