I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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