My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
