I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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