I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I need water and some morals
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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