do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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