It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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