blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
