Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
