I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
