TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
