his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he thought i was a dude.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
