Where is the hickey?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
