cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My balls are so social today.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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