God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
